theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
