Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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