I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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