Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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