why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
