His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
