I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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