i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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