My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
