the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
