i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
