420 ftw
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
