Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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