I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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