i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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