dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
