we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
