I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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