Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
