You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
