so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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