Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
