My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
