I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
