I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
