So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
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they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
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I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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