He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
