You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
