that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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