What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
