I heard we made out
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
