were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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