he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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