I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
