Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
