She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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