I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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