and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
