Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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