So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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