I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Randomize
