I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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