Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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