How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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