my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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