Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When are your genitals available?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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