I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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