i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
