Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
