i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
