I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
