when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
