Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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