Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
