you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
