the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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