I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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