First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I skipped work to stalk him.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
