i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
then he tried to convert me to islam
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
