There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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