If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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