I wish they made helmets for livers.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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