how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
