You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
