Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Did I show you my penis last night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
